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April 8, 2015

This morning I had to go to a dentist to get a root canal performed. I gotta be honest---I was petrified! As a kid growing up on Farmingville, Long Island, I can vividly remember going to the dentist on the corner and him absolutely BUTCHERING me with his root canals. I swear, I remember the excruciating pain as if he was sticking his sharpened instruments deep into my molars---YESTERDAY!!! The guy used to freakin’ kill me---a real hatchet job.


So, I went in there this morning like Joe freakin’ wuss. Literally I asked the female dentist if the chair had a seat belt attached because I was going to be fleeing my skin in a minute. I took two rounds of Novocain just to assure that there would be no pain. From there, after a good 90 minutes in the chair, much to my surprise . . . there was little or no pain. Yeah, I was uncomfortable with the vices she had shoved half-way down my gullet to keep my trap open---but, when it came to the poking, stabbing and drilling . . . it really wasn’t bad.


So, as I’m sitting in the chair just waiting for this thing to end, I start thinking about Dr. Satan, who used to torture me as I sat in his chair as a kid. I’m telling you---I want to throw down a fistful of Advil NOW---just thinking about the pain this guy created in my mouth THEN! I can even remember seeing blood on the bib that hung off my neck. BLOOD---MY OWN BLOOD!!! I didn’t see any blood today---not even a drop of it. So now I’m thinking---good that he had that daughter with the buck teeth, Stacey that me and my friends always used to make fun of at the bus stop---sending her home crying every day. It was karma---his wife gave birth to “Olive Overbite” because her husband was a masochist with the dental instruments.


Wait a minute . . . . say it isn’t so . . .


Did Dr. Satan practically drill into my brain simply because I was making fun of his precious little beaver of a daughter? Did the fact that she went home crying every day entice his decision to draw blood from my very tender, young, gums? Was this guy forcing total agony on my chompers INTENTONALLY?! Now that I’m adding two twos and getting a four---WELL, HELL, YEAH! He was perpetrating the pain because his precious child, with the Freddie Mercury overbite went home and sobbed to Daddy Dentist because she couldn’t fight her own battles!!! So now---the truth be told---I was sitting in the chair of a SADISTIC, DENTIST, BASTARD!!!  


So, in passing my wisdom along, let me just end with this---if you make fun of a kid whose father is a dentist---and then you’re STUPID enough to GO TO THAT DENTIST when you have a toothache---ask for the GAS, so you’re assured not to feel a thing---cause the drill is a comin’ . . . and it’s a comin’ hard!!!!

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